#5: Participating in a writing retreat
Embracing my writer identity, and community, on Jupiter
I’ve been writing stories ever since I can remember. Characters fill my head, and the stories and voices that burst forth onto the page never fail to astound me, filling me with wonder and relief and a feeling of “well, THERE you are.” I still have one of my first stories, “Beauty the Colt,” stored in a box in my garage — a work of not-so-subtle Misty of Chincoteague “fan fiction.” There have been many stories since then, including at least four novel manuscripts in various states of completion and even one published short story.
But writing didn’t equal being a writer. I never entertained the idea that it could be a real path for me. It wasn’t practical, I was told. I wasn’t good enough. Even though I wrote all the time, I never felt comfortable claiming that identity for myself.
That perspective started to change a few years ago, thanks to the #5amwritersclub. A loosely organized group of writers who ‘checked in’ with each other on Twitter via this hashtag, these early birds transformed into a real community in 2020 when the pandemic forced us all to find new ways to build (virtual) connections.
Every three weeks since May 2020, we’ve gathered in the 5 am hour over Zoom to chat live about writing craft, the publishing industry, our ambitions to write and to be read, and the donuts and coffee that motivate us for our early morning writing sessions. We’ve had well over 50 VDPs, or “Virtual Donut Parties,” since then.
This group became a life raft during a time when community was scarce and writing community even scarcer. We came to know each other over Zoom, but I’d never met them in person — until now. In October I attended my first-ever writing retreat, Journey to Jupiter, an in-person gathering that included several members of the #5amwritersclub community.
Over a long weekend at a remote campsite in northern Pennsylvania, we turned off the distractions of the outside world and focused on writing, reading, and forming real-life connections with each other. Our leaders, Ralph “Make It Worse” Walker and Julia “Writing Is Joy” Green led us through instruction and activities designed to help us focus on various aspects of writing: character, plot, theme, and voice.
Throughout the weekend, we shared insights on the ‘mentor texts’ we had read and analyzed before attending, works of fiction and memoirs that we pulled apart and put back together again. We made ourselves vulnerable through heartfelt discussions about our own work. And we bonded during early morning pajama-clad chats over coffee and donuts and Canadian butter tarts (thanks to the Canadian writer in our crew, Lori, who ferried them across the border).
Going to Jupiter was a huge leap of faith for me. I was committing to this writer identity, taking four whole days to immerse myself in it — something I’d never done before. And it was uncomfortable, in many ways. Even though the #5amwritersclub is defined by inclusion and kindness, I found myself a little shy around these writers I’d only ‘met’ online before — awed by their raw talent, their vision, their commitment, the potential shimmering around them.
But I also felt something else — like I could be myself for the first time in a long time.
Getting lost in words is usually when I feel whole — my true, down-to-the-bones self. But for the past eighteen months, a time of great change and anxiety in my life, this has been difficult. Doubting myself made it hard to take pleasure from anything, even from activities I typically love, like writing. You can’t write while you’re having a panic attack.
When I’m anxious, it’s like my brain goes into full-on fight/flight/freeze mode. It disengages, comforting itself by drifting into mindless activities like binge-watching The Bachelorette (no hate to #bachelornation) or online shopping for the perfect comfy affordable light blue sofa (by the way, it’s this one). It was the same during the early days of the pandemic — so much time to read and write, but no ability to actually do it. My hope was that Jupiter would be the thing to reengage my brain and get me unstuck.
NASA says that Jupiter’s environment isn’t conducive to life as we know it. Neither was our version of Jupiter — and that’s a good thing. In addition to producing anxiety, life as we know it can be dull and petty and full of moments when we are just trying to get through the day, an endless loop of wiping down sticky refrigerator door handles, existing but not really living. But on Jupiter, everyday life faded away and we retreated into a hazy cocoon, shedding our “shoulds” to be creative and joyful and silly and true to our innermost selves.
And for me, that also meant having the time and space to begin to make peace with my anxiety by inviting it onto the page. Realizing that my characters are also grappling with anxiety — whether from loss of identity, fear of failure, or toxic relationships — gives me the place and space to work through it myself. This was a huge a-ha for me at the retreat, and it has completely transformed the novel I am working on, exposing layers I didn’t even realize it had — while beginning to peek at my own scars with clear eyes and dab at them with the gentle balm of understanding and forgiveness.
Writing is how I imbue some of my most important personal values into my everyday life — not just joy and belonging, but also ambition, beauty, and humor. Attending this writing retreat as part of my #49for49 project will no doubt improve my writing craft and help me strengthen my plot and characters and voice and theme. But I also hope it allows me to carry forward the spirit of that writing community I found on Jupiter.
As I consider how I want to live the second half of my life, I am committed to truly claiming my writer identity and reshaping my life in all the ways that I can to honor that identity — because if not now, when? Even when I can’t see it, I’ll know that Jupiter is out there and my crewmates will be cheering me on.
I love all of this, Susan. I can’t wait to read your book. And I also can’t wait to see you on Jupiter again this fall, I hope.
So many feels, friend 💜
This hit me: "to peek at my own scars with clear eyes and dab at them with the gentle balm of understanding and forgiveness."
To think if you hadn't shown up, I wouldn't have met you. So glad for all of it!